When people we love leave our lives, either voluntary or involuntary, it leaves us with empty spaces, both emotionally and physically. Friends, family, spouses, whomever, these people both enrich and color our day to day lives. So when my wife left, she left me with a lot of empty spaces. The spare room she slept in the last few months is now a deserted and cold box, the closets filled with different clothes and colorful shoes, now empty and plain looking. Those are just the empty spaces you can see, there's a whole separate world of empty spaces you cannot. For every empty space now punched into my life, I choose to look past the pain, and into the potential. A show once said space was the final frontier, and that's so true because with some empty space and a bit of creativity, you can turn it into anything you want. Take the spare room, now I can finally build that home gym I always wanted, or make one hell of an amazing home office. Take that empty closet, I can, well I don't know what I can do with that right now, but luckily enough, I can close the closet doors! Though in time, I will find a way to consume that space or turn that space into something that isn't a painful reminder of what was, but a window into what will be.
So what about those empty spaces you cannot just cram materialistic things into? That's even easier to fill, but you have to want to. You have to be emotionally ready to move forward and engage your present situation with open arms. Those spaces will fill themselves before you even know it. For me, my son will be fitting into some of those spaces. However, that's a catch-22. My son cannot be the only thing to fill those holes. Those holes where left by a partner in a marriage, a 19 month old little boy cannot be expected to fill the emotional spaces left from that. This is a time when it's good to be selfish! This is when I am going to fire up friendships that I have let sit idle, this is when I am going to push myself to start running. The fact that I will no longer be with my son 24/7, though painful and sad for both of us, has the potential for me to "do me". For me to just be relatively care free and pursue the things that I want to pursue. Now I would never turn down time with my son, or minimize the time we have together to pursue those things. I need to find the balance.
A few days ago his mother and I were discussing this very same topic. How do you fill the emptiness? She said that she was going to consume herself with our son. While that made me very happy to hear, I also expressed to her what I mentioned earlier. He cannot be the only thing you rely on to fill that space. You need to concentrate on the things that make you happy, and if you don't know what they are, get out there and find them. I expressed to her that I am going to find things that I can do with him, and also things that I can do on my own. Again finding that balance is the magically key in all of this. I then mentioned that any plans I make where I couldn't involve my son where plans that I did not want to be involved in either. That's true to an extent. If I made plans to go to a bar, I don't expect to bring my son along, but the life I live when he is not around will be quite similar to the life I live when he is, and that's key. I am not going to be some insane party animal or womanizer on the weekends when my son is with him mother. I will be me regardless of my situation.
You have to want it though. You cannot sit there on the couch moping and living in your own personal pitty party. Doing so will actually cause just the oposite to occur. Those emotional spaces will grow. They will continue to grow so large they begin to consume unrelated parts of you. It will literally drain your body of energy and spirit. This is the tough part. The courage to say screw it, I'm not going to rollover and die, I'm going to go out there, kick some ass and take names, so to speak. Empower yourself, and you are powerful beyond limit. It reminds me of an amazingly inspirational quote by Marianne Williamson:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
I love that quote, you, me, and each and every one of us has the potential to be extraordinary, if we only allow ourselves to be.
My spaces won't be empty for long, and I hope that your's won't be either.
-Rich
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Ground Zero
I’ve finally reached the point in my life where I pretty much get to start at ground zero. All of the skeletons are out of the closet, no secrets, no lies, just about everything is starting over. While this is one of the most liberating experiences a person can have, it’s also one of the scariest.
My wife, of 5 years, and partner of over 11, is leaving today, and not the I’ll be back soon leaving, but the gone leaving. She has secured an apartment just a few miles away from our home, and has just about completed the moving out process. The transitions, while emotional has gone fairly uneventful. The tie that binds us, besides our history, possessions, and debt, is our child. The most awesome little boy in the whole world, at 19 months, he keeps my world turning. I thank God that we are separating before he is old enough to know what’s going on, let alone remember it. His mother and I have been working through all of our issues fairly well, we’ve come to terms on everything including our son. He is going to be living with me, but spending a lot of time with his mother as well. I’ve come from a divorced family and I know what it’s like being the child. I know that I can help guide my son through the pitfalls and potholes that I went through growing up. I say that without negating the hard work of my parents, but sometimes its difficult for a little boy to properly articulate his feelings. I’ll be able to guide him and give him the best possible childhood a boy could hope for, but more on him later.
Now, back to ground zero. Here we are, over 11 years of being in a committed relationship with your high school sweetheart, and then thrust into the bachelor life. I will be keeping the house, a finance burden that I carry for many reasons, some selfish, and some not, but mainly for the stability of my son. My son was, is, and will always be my focal point for many of the decisions I make. I am head over heels for that little guy and I only want to make him happy, but at the same time I get to rediscover me. Having been tied to another person since you were 17 years old takes your life in strange and different directions. Not that I regret those years, but instead of growing up into my own person I’ve grown into a part of a whole. Ground zero is letting that newly empty space grow and be consumed with all things me. I get to relearn all about me unfiltered, unabated, and unedited. I have visions of what I want that space to be filled with. I see myself getting into shape, possibly starting to run some 5ks. I see myself taking trips with my son, possibly exploring some hiking trails, or hanging out around town and getting ice cream. I know what kind of Dad I want to be, and I’ve been pretty close to the mark this past year and a half. However, I don’t think I’ve fully determined what kind of man I want to be. I see the lines of the picture, but I haven’t colored it in yet, so to speak.
What I do know is that these next few years are going amazing. They are going to be filled with such new an amazing experiences for both me as an individual, and me as a father. I am no longer defined by the half of a whole, but I am me, and that’s very liberating, having almost never experienced that before. Now before you say anything, let me back peddle for a minute.
Marriage is an amazing thing. I loved being in a committed relationship. Perhaps loved it too much that I let it define me. Do I want to be in another committed relationship? Absolutely, but I need to find the person who compliments me, not completes me. Who shares my passions and interests, and not just accepts them. Someone who will extend me beyond who I am, but never try to change me. I believe in the concept of Marriage and it’s something that I definitely wish to again be a part of, but under much different circumstances.
So I stand hand in hand with my son, looking down at that beautiful path Robert Frost described in his poem. We are going to take that path less traveled and it’s going to be amazing. I don’t regret anything, my life is not bad, full of misery, or suffering, but it’s not perfect, and it takes work, time, and effort. For me life is not about a goal, a destination, or an final result, it’s about the journey.
-Rich
My wife, of 5 years, and partner of over 11, is leaving today, and not the I’ll be back soon leaving, but the gone leaving. She has secured an apartment just a few miles away from our home, and has just about completed the moving out process. The transitions, while emotional has gone fairly uneventful. The tie that binds us, besides our history, possessions, and debt, is our child. The most awesome little boy in the whole world, at 19 months, he keeps my world turning. I thank God that we are separating before he is old enough to know what’s going on, let alone remember it. His mother and I have been working through all of our issues fairly well, we’ve come to terms on everything including our son. He is going to be living with me, but spending a lot of time with his mother as well. I’ve come from a divorced family and I know what it’s like being the child. I know that I can help guide my son through the pitfalls and potholes that I went through growing up. I say that without negating the hard work of my parents, but sometimes its difficult for a little boy to properly articulate his feelings. I’ll be able to guide him and give him the best possible childhood a boy could hope for, but more on him later.
Now, back to ground zero. Here we are, over 11 years of being in a committed relationship with your high school sweetheart, and then thrust into the bachelor life. I will be keeping the house, a finance burden that I carry for many reasons, some selfish, and some not, but mainly for the stability of my son. My son was, is, and will always be my focal point for many of the decisions I make. I am head over heels for that little guy and I only want to make him happy, but at the same time I get to rediscover me. Having been tied to another person since you were 17 years old takes your life in strange and different directions. Not that I regret those years, but instead of growing up into my own person I’ve grown into a part of a whole. Ground zero is letting that newly empty space grow and be consumed with all things me. I get to relearn all about me unfiltered, unabated, and unedited. I have visions of what I want that space to be filled with. I see myself getting into shape, possibly starting to run some 5ks. I see myself taking trips with my son, possibly exploring some hiking trails, or hanging out around town and getting ice cream. I know what kind of Dad I want to be, and I’ve been pretty close to the mark this past year and a half. However, I don’t think I’ve fully determined what kind of man I want to be. I see the lines of the picture, but I haven’t colored it in yet, so to speak.
What I do know is that these next few years are going amazing. They are going to be filled with such new an amazing experiences for both me as an individual, and me as a father. I am no longer defined by the half of a whole, but I am me, and that’s very liberating, having almost never experienced that before. Now before you say anything, let me back peddle for a minute.
Marriage is an amazing thing. I loved being in a committed relationship. Perhaps loved it too much that I let it define me. Do I want to be in another committed relationship? Absolutely, but I need to find the person who compliments me, not completes me. Who shares my passions and interests, and not just accepts them. Someone who will extend me beyond who I am, but never try to change me. I believe in the concept of Marriage and it’s something that I definitely wish to again be a part of, but under much different circumstances.
So I stand hand in hand with my son, looking down at that beautiful path Robert Frost described in his poem. We are going to take that path less traveled and it’s going to be amazing. I don’t regret anything, my life is not bad, full of misery, or suffering, but it’s not perfect, and it takes work, time, and effort. For me life is not about a goal, a destination, or an final result, it’s about the journey.
-Rich
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)